This morning my alarm went off interrupting a very vivid dream. It took me a really long time to recover.
In the dream I woke up on a train bound for Edinburgh. We had just passed Preston. I felt groggy, like I had been sleeping, and I had no idea why I had suddenly decided to head for Edinburgh now when my plan was to go later in August. 'Christ! I haven't warned my friend!' I thought and I scrambled for my phone. As expected it went through to voicemail because she wasn't in Edinburgh but at her family home in Perthshire which has virtually no reception. I was heading to the city with no accommodation lined up.
Suddenly she was opposite me in the carriage. There were lots of empty wine glasses and plates on the table between us and this reminded me that I was stupid enough to make a trip to Edinburgh without packing any food or drink. I told her my predicament and she agreed that it was short notice and that I'd have to probably stay at some expensive hotel.
Then I was in a big classroom and it was the middle of the lesson. The students were not happy. I couldn't recall how I'd started the lesson but it was clear that I had explained things badly. The students were lost. A female student, with a blonde bob, looked at me quizzingly as I leaned over to look at her book in order to gain some idea of what we had been doing.
'Teacher, are you having family problems?' she asked me. I looked back at her and thought... it seemed plausible enough, nothing sprang to mind, so I slowly said 'Yes...' hoping her unfriendly face would soften. It didn't so I quickly backtracked, 'No, I lied. I'm fine...'
As she left the classroom she turned and said 'Teacher, the other teacher before was far better....'
I looked at her helplessly. 'What did he do? Maybe I can improve?' but she shook her head as if to say - the damage was irreparable.
I then woke up to the annoying repetitive ring of my alarm.
I have this bad habit of checking my phone when I wake up as it is also my alarm clock. I checked my emails and various things, still half asleep, and a comment that someone left on my blog (which turned out to be spam for some old people's social project, but I didn't realise until about half an hour later due to the way it was phrased) really irritated me. I thought it was someone anonymously patronising me when it was actually my own words taken from the blog entry, out of context, mirrored back to me. Bizarre form of marketing...
Anyway, the rest of the day, this dream - which doesn't sound much written down (yes, other people's dreams are always rather uninteresting...) - haunted me. A sense of foreboding hung in the air. I told a fellow teacher and she nodded sympathetically and said 'Are you sad about leaving?'
I guess so... I think it is this but also that horrible letter I received last week. It has thrown me. I've been feeling like a tower of strength recently but what with the uncertainty of change and then something (the letter) thrown into the mix to question my current state of happiness, I realised I was beginning to doubt myself.
So there I was, all unsure and preoccupied, and then I began to clean my room tonight.
In some old notepad I took with me to India I found old outpourings and mini diary entries. In these written words I was generally sad, reflective and constantly wondering what my path might be ahead. Some words leapt off the page within these paragraphs however...
'useless emotion'
and, after many a pleading question and negative comment in the form of a diary entry, the request to myself...
'sort it out Curious Cat, please!'
...
And now I feel much better. Looking at all these ponderings and plans and spider diagrams...I did sort it out. I did find a place to belong, a job I liked. I didn't find the man - well not yet - but I progressed!
And I do waste too much time on useless emotion, I did then, I still have the habit of doing so now. Nothing is such a big deal as we make it. I need to remember this. Tattoo it on my forehead perhaps...
And that is why I feel much better now because I know this stupid dream and that stupid letter can't hurt me if I don't choose to give them power. They do not have to be the big deal I turn them into.
And now having told you this and shared this learning...I am on to happier things. I hope you have a lovely evening.
The end
xxx :) xxx
Oh and P.S (bonus insight with the deal tonight): You can't change people's reactions or perception of you but the good news is...with a little effort you can change how you react.
In the dream I woke up on a train bound for Edinburgh. We had just passed Preston. I felt groggy, like I had been sleeping, and I had no idea why I had suddenly decided to head for Edinburgh now when my plan was to go later in August. 'Christ! I haven't warned my friend!' I thought and I scrambled for my phone. As expected it went through to voicemail because she wasn't in Edinburgh but at her family home in Perthshire which has virtually no reception. I was heading to the city with no accommodation lined up.
Suddenly she was opposite me in the carriage. There were lots of empty wine glasses and plates on the table between us and this reminded me that I was stupid enough to make a trip to Edinburgh without packing any food or drink. I told her my predicament and she agreed that it was short notice and that I'd have to probably stay at some expensive hotel.
Then I was in a big classroom and it was the middle of the lesson. The students were not happy. I couldn't recall how I'd started the lesson but it was clear that I had explained things badly. The students were lost. A female student, with a blonde bob, looked at me quizzingly as I leaned over to look at her book in order to gain some idea of what we had been doing.
'Teacher, are you having family problems?' she asked me. I looked back at her and thought... it seemed plausible enough, nothing sprang to mind, so I slowly said 'Yes...' hoping her unfriendly face would soften. It didn't so I quickly backtracked, 'No, I lied. I'm fine...'
As she left the classroom she turned and said 'Teacher, the other teacher before was far better....'
I looked at her helplessly. 'What did he do? Maybe I can improve?' but she shook her head as if to say - the damage was irreparable.
I then woke up to the annoying repetitive ring of my alarm.
I have this bad habit of checking my phone when I wake up as it is also my alarm clock. I checked my emails and various things, still half asleep, and a comment that someone left on my blog (which turned out to be spam for some old people's social project, but I didn't realise until about half an hour later due to the way it was phrased) really irritated me. I thought it was someone anonymously patronising me when it was actually my own words taken from the blog entry, out of context, mirrored back to me. Bizarre form of marketing...
Anyway, the rest of the day, this dream - which doesn't sound much written down (yes, other people's dreams are always rather uninteresting...) - haunted me. A sense of foreboding hung in the air. I told a fellow teacher and she nodded sympathetically and said 'Are you sad about leaving?'
I guess so... I think it is this but also that horrible letter I received last week. It has thrown me. I've been feeling like a tower of strength recently but what with the uncertainty of change and then something (the letter) thrown into the mix to question my current state of happiness, I realised I was beginning to doubt myself.
So there I was, all unsure and preoccupied, and then I began to clean my room tonight.
In some old notepad I took with me to India I found old outpourings and mini diary entries. In these written words I was generally sad, reflective and constantly wondering what my path might be ahead. Some words leapt off the page within these paragraphs however...
'useless emotion'
and, after many a pleading question and negative comment in the form of a diary entry, the request to myself...
'sort it out Curious Cat, please!'
...
And now I feel much better. Looking at all these ponderings and plans and spider diagrams...I did sort it out. I did find a place to belong, a job I liked. I didn't find the man - well not yet - but I progressed!
And I do waste too much time on useless emotion, I did then, I still have the habit of doing so now. Nothing is such a big deal as we make it. I need to remember this. Tattoo it on my forehead perhaps...
And that is why I feel much better now because I know this stupid dream and that stupid letter can't hurt me if I don't choose to give them power. They do not have to be the big deal I turn them into.
And now having told you this and shared this learning...I am on to happier things. I hope you have a lovely evening.
The end
xxx :) xxx
Oh and P.S (bonus insight with the deal tonight): You can't change people's reactions or perception of you but the good news is...with a little effort you can change how you react.
1 comment:
Obviously it means that you should have got off the train at Preston and come to see me!
Horrible letter? Did I miss something?
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