Monday, 2 June 2014

When someone ignores you...


I just left a friend's house and I was listening to New Slang by The Shins on the Garden State album (great album). The song makes me want to twirl and sway in the street but there are still too many people around even on a Monday night at 11pm, I have to contain myself.

I was going to go home but the air was warm so I took a turn around the old town and I felt like I needed some head space. I went to see this friend because, for about a month now, a mutual friend has been ignoring me and I just finally needed to know why so I could take it and then move on.

Have you ever been ignored? It isn't very nice. Don't do it kids....

...But as I walked and reflected on what our mutual friend had to say, I began to feel like I understood the situation better. 
This person, who is ignoring me, up until a week before this all kicked off, was pretty much my best chum in town. It is kind of ironic because I was on my holiday in Berlin and I was singing her praises so much to my travel companion that even he, a boy, joked that he was jealous of our friendship. Then I got home and it all began...

The stupid thing is, I didn't really do anything wrong. The reason the situation is as it is, so I realised to a better degree tonight, is because, whilst we have many things in common, we are fundamentally different in one way. I use words to fix things and she uses space and distance. I want instance fixing and she doesn't mind not having a sell-by date on the matter.

The thing is...it has gone too far now and it is broken. You can't really call someone a friend anymore if they haven't returned your messages in over a month, especially over something so small. If you were to ever be friends again, what would happen if you had a bigger disagreement? It isn't worth imagining and the trust has gone now anyway. And I don't want to wait forever and a day on the off chance that enough time and space will bring her round. Life goes on...We could have sorted this out ages ago and be having fun, which I would have preferred, but I didn't have much choice in the matter. I do have a choice going forward though.

I don't feel so bad about it anymore, I know it is her loss and I'm ready to let go but what I have been made aware of, once again tonight, is that we all tick and function so differently. We have our ways of doing things and sometimes we're like wrong ended pieces of jigsaw with absolutely no hope. We may be part of a whole bigger picture, but no ramming in whatever-which direction is ever going to make the pieces fit, apart from the one way that they are meant to go.

I could cast blame, I was casting blame and judgement only hours ago, but when I take a step back, I realise it just is what it is. I am me and she is she and we do things differently. My way is foreign to her and her way is foreign to me. All I can do is try to have a bit of understanding. I can recognise that I did all I could and I also now know (and I wasn't to know then) that my efforts were inadvertently subversive... If I ever have to deal with such an occurrence again, hopefully I can take check on my nature and proceed with this newly acquired knowledge (she mutters under her breath - well, I hope so - because I know how impulsive, blinkered and swayed by my natural nature I can be at times) and after that I just have to accept things.
This lesson may come in handy also with Internet dating and boys who go quiet on you when they realise they can't get the one thing they are after or they have succeeded in that one thing... (if you get my drift). Stupid boys...This is another story for another day on that one I think...

Anyway...the morals of the story are...

Don't be a coward and ignore people. Man up and have those difficult conversations - have them a few times if you need to to sort the situation out properly. Stop thinking about yourself and consider how the other person might be feeling from your coldness (well, that is my view anyway from the receiving end!!).

And...

If you are being ignored, realise that this person is just doing what comes safe, natural and protective to them - it might not be that you've done anything much wrong at all and unfortunately you're just going to have to let them be and get on with other things. Don't message them to try and fix things...it only makes it worse. Then, if they do eventually come back...well...deal with it then... but be prepared...you may be waiting forever...

Hmm...not the most eloquent of posts but...it all seems quite clear in my head. Until next time...xxx

2 comments:

The Girl said...

I liked this post a lot. I mean not in a "Yay you've lost a friend way" but in a "I've never thought about it like that before" way.

I have recently had an absolutely horrible "falling out" with someone I thought was my best friend (inverted commas because I don't really think it's falling out if only one of you does the falling out) and having read your words I think you're right - if you are fundamentally two different people then this ending was probably inevitable. You can tick along and get by for so long but eventually the other shoe has to drop.

Sad. But...life, I guess?

Anonymous said...

very well written... I can understand and relate to it